Is LoViNg An OlDeR WoMaN...A SiN?

It been about a few months since I write in. its February once again, the buzzword is “love, love and more love”. Lets stop talking about the nitty gritty talk and get into what I am suppose to write for this entry.

Does age really matter in a relationship, or is age just a number to you? This debate has been around for a long while, and it seems to trouble me over and over again. I decided to bring it up again due to the content of my girlfriend’s diary which I stole (story baby for intruding into your private). Seeing the content of it makes me feel it’s a good idea to expand our own horizon and wander into greener pastures, and one of the way to do it is to express my doubts and queries in my blog and you people out there give feedback without reservations for all to benefit. The passage below is part of her entry in the diary:

Dear Diary,
NO buts about it, I am guilty. At least in the eyes of most of my friends and family members.

For the first time since they have all been suspecting and accusing, I have admitted that, yes, I am in love, in love and proud of it, with a wonderful man.

And my sin?

He is three years younger than I am.

Let me put things in perspective: I am 23, and I have fallen in love with someone who hasn't even gone through his National Service.

As my best pal Joannie puts it, in between mouthfuls of her favourite Boon Tong Kee chicken rice: 'Aiyoh girl, you might as well be living in the middle ages and be accused of witchcraft.

"This is Singapore in 2004. A is such a sweetie but you will die a death worse than being burnt on the stake if you tell anyone!"

I have denied how I felt and thought about how society, my family and my loved ones would judge me.

I have read articles about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; I devoured articles about Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.

For heaven's sake, the females are all more than a decade older than their male counterparts.

Hello, my guy is definitely less than a decade younger than me.

I thought that in this age of modern social mores, dating a younger man was okay, all right and definitely acceptable. Man, I was so wrong!

From the moment I introduced A to my closest friends and to my parents, he might as well have been Exhibit No 326 in the museum of Freaks and Weird Creatures.

They were all cordial, nice, warm even. But my acute sixth sense, honed from years of spotting lame lies from 'sick' staff with MCs, told me otherwise.

I have dated men my age, older than I am, and some even one or two years younger than me. I have never felt the level of freedom and comfort A gives me.

For the first time, I think I know what it truly feels like to be loved with no pressure, no expectations and no demands.

The most common question my pals ask is: 'What can you guys talk about? How can you both connect?'

My answer is always: 'I don't need to connect. I don't need to talk. I am happy being with him.'

Coming from a hardened, worldly, a gal who has learned life's painful lessons through personal experience, this statement and justification seems lame

Well, this is really how I feel.

What can an educated, accomplished, confident and (ahem) attractive woman like me find in a 20-year-old, who hasn't even done his diploma course, much less finished his compulsory National Service?

I cannot give a scientific answer. All I can offer is my heartfelt and honest testimonial: I know he feels right for me at this moment.

For the only time in my life, I intend to throw caution to the wind and go with my heart. Whatever comes after, no-one but I will be responsible for it.

However it ends, it will only add interest to my life's experience bank. I can only grow stronger.

Perhaps if more Singaporean women would start thinking with their heart, and with their natural-born instinct to love and give without fear, our little nation may not be facing the 'headache' of procreation activities.

the end...

So here goes,what actually defines an age-gap relationship then? In my opinion, there should be at least five years of age difference between both partners to be considered an age gap. That itself is not uncommon until you get into a ten year and over age difference. Here is where society begins to question and place judgement based on preconceived ideas or what a normal and abnormal relationship is supposed to be.

When you see a younger woman with an older guy, most people will jump to a conclusion that she is a trophy wife. Whereas if you see an older woman with a younger guy, people start placing bets that he is her playboy

While we read of famous celebrities like micheal Douglas and Catherine zeta jones with huge age gaps( almost 25 years of age differences…if I remembered it correctly) or faye wong and nicholas tse saga( more than 10 years of age difference), we start wondering what makes them click.

So then, why does society frown upon such relationships? Is it merely superstition or are they valid reasons behind this touchy issue?

While communication problems are often cited in a problem with age gap relationships m it sometimes boils down to basic human needs. I asked an opinion of a chatter from mRIC, he mentioned that his partners can’t be too old, if not, it’s harder to conceive a baby in future.(is it true?)

But often, it is the possible “generation gap” that makes people think twice about going for someone who is old or young. For example, if one is 20 years old, and the other is 40 years old , they belong to a different generation, with different upbringing and values. They probably won’t think along the same line, it might even seem like a parent and child kind of relationship.

And of course, there is the problem of your partner aging faster than you. In addition, there are the stares and looks one gets from going out with someone who is very much older or younger. when people gossip about you, it can be very disturbing. They may even make fun of me, saying that I lacks motherly love, or even a dysfunctional childhood.

Some of my closest friends questioned me, why are u with that girl? And after a while, I start to doubt myself too. I suppose insults and criticisms are common in such a relationship because people are entitled to their opinions, just as I am to mine and not forgetting that traditional values still prevails. If I were to tell my parents about this, I am pretty sure they will frown upon such relationships or even freak out, especially if the guy(that’s me) is younger than the girl. Maybe because they believe the guy will be henpecked by the older woman in the long run.(that’s what I am thinking)

As for the younger women with older men, I finds it puzzling why these women would want to be with older men. Just last week, I went to tanjong balai for a hari raya celebration, to my surprise I saw lots of “matured men” going to batam for a weekend getaway. are they going to batam for fun or business? The women would rather be with a much older men as compared to them, I thinks such relationships happened probably because of money, or just temporary relationships. Heavy sighs…

Similarly for other age-gap couples, I suppose most met in an ordinary way and began dating. I am attracted to each other the same way other couples are. I never set to date someone much younger or older than themselves initially. It just happened to work out that way.

Even though, conventions of society have shunned such age-gap relationship, there have been others who choose to live their life in their own fashion. The marriage of Michael Douglas to Catherine zeta jones may have driven the tabloids into over drive speculation about the odd pairing, but to them, as long as they are happy, nothing matters.

Seeing this couple makes me think, I suppose no outsiders can really understand what’s going on between two people. As long as both parties are happy with the arrangement and they’re not hurting anyone, why not?

There are overwhelming response and views from some of my closest friends about this. Anway, Who are they to make judgements on whether my relationship with my baby will turn out fine. At the end of the day, it depends on us who are deeply in love who should know best. These bits that we gathered from other couple’s private lives, honestly and superficially don’t say much I suppose. Perhaps the bottom should be: as long as we are happy, as long as the two of us are clear-minded of what we want, that’s enough. As for this very moment, I will make the best of the moment and live it while I still cant because it won’t come again. Hopefully, I will be willing to move on to a new phase in my life accordingly. Be it with her or without her.

Marital bliss…

p.s: Baby, if you happen to stumble upon this blog, I am earnestly Apologetic for having to steal your diary…am I forgiven??